Reflections

It’s now going onto the second month since the return of what they coin ‘panic disorder.’

I hate the term. It implies that what is happening is abnormal. That somehow the body is wrong. It’s not. It’s just we haven’t found the answer to what it’s looking for.

I remember a quote by Mastin Kipp, who scrapped the term ‘panic attack’ and replaced it with ‘wake up call from your body.’ That spoke to me. It’s speaking to and guiding me now.

I haven’t found all the answers to what my body needs yet, but I’m starting to tune in, I’m learning how to let my intuition guide me. This gives me so much hope and endurance to keep fighting.

A big realisation was that I needed to stop ignoring that my gut needed more healing, and that it was now time to take the extra measures. I remembered the GAPS (Gut and Psychology Sydrome) protocol. I was full of excitement at the realisation, I was empowered with action I could take. I knew I would heal. It would take time, but it would happen.

I was offered to do a session of EFT. I have heard about tapping as a way to release emotional trauma, but it was now time to act on it, despite an inner resistance to do even more than I already was to be OK. It was time. I knew it would help me heal.

The panic attacks, no, the wake up calls from my body, kept coming. They still scared the shit out of me. But I now had more tools to use. The tapping started to shift something, the wake up calls began to change, they started turning into severe sobs. Pain and trauma with a new pathway to leave the body. This gave me hope. I knew I would heal...

I am giving my body nutrition, I am giving my body rest, movement, pathways to release emotional trauma, hydration, grounding, nature, movement, fresh air, kindness, therapy, meditation, sunshine… I am giving my body LOVE. So I know it will heal. This gives me hope.

Right now, I am exhausted. I am scared. My head hurts. My heart hurts. I am awaiting test results to make sure there isn’t something more sinister going on. This adds to the panic.

But I know I will heal. And this gives me hope.