Panic

It’s like. It’s like… It’s as if it was all going to be over in that moment. And a fear crept over me that was so strong, I forgot all control.

The intensity of the sickness I feel in that moment is indescribable. My skin flushes with sweat and heat so unbearable I want to throw myself onto the cold tiles. But my body reacts for me. I scream for water to drink. Then, just like that, I have no conscious concept of what happens next.

I’m dreaming, how pleasant this all is. To dream, when is it that I slept? Was I not… shit. What’s happening? Where am I? Shit, there’s that feeling again.

I hear voices. “Careful when you move her leg.”What happened to my fucking leg?! I can’t look right now. I can’t face it.

He’s talking to the ambulance. I don’t want to know what he is saying. I just want to be ok.

What’s wrong with me? What’s happening to me? Why??!!!

The days and weeks that follow tempt the reoccurrence of this event. I’m so scared. I’m so, so scared. The nightmares that come, the dizziness of the concussion, the fear for my heart.

Tell me I’m going to be ok? Please tell me I’m going to be ok. What if it’s my heart? Panic. Blinding panic. I grab his hand and clench it.

My poor body. How much you have been through. My dear mind. The things you have endured.

I’m here. I’ll do everything I can to make sure we will be ok. We are ok. Just the stress has to leave our cells. Healing takes time. This is all temporary. The worst things are. So are the best things.

I am strong. I am healthy. I am a quick healer. My nervous system is calm. My heart is strong and rhythmical. I am fit. I am happy. I am ok. Over and over. I AM FUCKING OK!!!!

Believe me. Please body. Please mind. Believe me.