Your Identity, Please.

Who actually are you? What makes you, you? Where do your values sit? Are you living up to them? And with all that, are you happy?

Depending on the stage of life I was at when, if asked these questions, I would have had some very different answers over the years.

The only thing is, my answers in the past had a gaping disconnect from who I actually was, or should I say, am. This caused a level of frustration and sadness, as at my core I knew I was not living to my potential.

Growing up, I showed ability in many areas. Dance, music, art, academics. But I never really had the chance to take anything to any place where I could call that thing my own; Let alone give me a means of self expression.

Having completed my Bachelors in Speech Pathology, I remember having a measure of pride that I could finally put something to my name. I could answer that ‘I, Milla, am a Speech Pathologist.’ (Even if my mother refused this as enough and told her acquaintances I was a Psychologist... oh Mama. Oh so many stories there).

For a long time, a lot of my approved identity lay in my religion. I could barely have a conversation with a stranger without feeling the obligation to drop my affiliation and feel the need to preach. Moving away from this was a significant gateway to allowing a discovery of true self. Again, I acknowledge the significance such communities play in people’s lives, and the positive things there are to be learned in these environments, it is simply no longer for me.

I soon became mum. And this identity gave me purpose. My boy, then boys became my world. My goal in life became their happiness and being the best mum I could be for them.

But then I became bereaved. (Notice how there is no word I can use here from the English language, that would describe a person who has lost a child). And with that, I lost my world, my purpose, my identity. I remember thinking, ‘how the heck am I to survive the next 30 seconds? What do I even do with myself now to pass the time?’ I lost all concept of self. And yes, I still had another child, but the ‘mum’ I was, I could no longer be.

The next few years I begun to find new things to do, riding and working with horses was one. Dance was the other. But for so long I just felt like a phoney. A ‘wanna be’. They were things I did, but I was not good enough to have them help define who I was. At least that’s what I told myself for a while.

Not having an identity you identify with, is emptiness. I felt empty.

The first step I took to re-identifying me, was to start being honest about what it was I yearned for, and then allowing myself to pursue it. It had to happen for me to first start healing and then thriving. I figured there was just too much to be gained by tuning into where my passions lay. And too much already lost on the background of floating along with what others decided was or wasn’t important.

Unapologetically following your path and letting it fill your heart and soul with substance is not optional if we are to keep discovering who we are. That’s what I did. This road is not so easy! In fact, it’s a bloody challenge! A road I have many more blogs to blog about.

So, who is it that am I today?

I am a dancer. I am a writer. I am a creative. I am a mother of two. I am an equestrian. I am bereaved. But I am also a happy, spiritual, loved, beautiful human being, who learns and grows from day to day. I am Milla.

“The person you are becoming, you already are.” - Josh Twee - I just attributed these words to you. xx